Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Can we work through our differences, or is it time to consider going our separate ways?
When one partner is considering separation or divorce while the other wants to work on the relationship, knowing what to do next can feel overwhelming.
Perhaps you’ve been having the same arguments for years, feel emotionally disconnected, or have begun questioning whether your relationship can continue. One of you may be ready to leave, while the other is holding on to hope that things can change.
There may still be love, shared memories, children, and meaningful reasons to stay. At the same time, there may be hurt, resentment, disappointment, or uncertainty about whether things can be different.
What happens when you’re no longer on the same page about your relationship’s future?
Mixed-agenda couples counselling offers a supportive, non-judgmental space to explore your concerns, better understand each partner’s perspective, and consider possible paths forward.
The focus is not on convincing either partner to stay or leave, but on supporting thoughtful reflection about the future of the relationship.
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What Is Mixed-Agenda Couples Counselling?
Mixed-agenda couples counselling is intended for couples who have different levels of commitment to continuing their relationship.
One partner may be leaning toward separation or divorce, while the other hopes to repair the relationship. Sometimes both partners are uncertain about what they want.
Unlike traditional couples counselling, which typically focuses on improving the relationship, mixed-agenda counselling initially focuses on exploring the uncertainty surrounding its future.
Sessions may involve discussing relationship history, recurring difficulties, each partner’s contributions to relationship dynamics, and the options available moving forward.
The purpose is to provide space for reflection without assuming that staying together or separating is the right outcome.
Three Possible Paths Forward
When couples are uncertain about their future, there are generally three possible directions to consider.
Path One: Continue the Relationship as It Is
You may decide to remain together without making a commitment to couples counselling or separation at this time.
This may involve acknowledging the current difficulties while taking additional time to consider what each partner wants.
Path Two: Consider Separation or Divorce
One or both partners may decide that separation is the direction they wish to pursue.
Counselling may provide space to discuss the emotional aspects of this decision and consider appropriate supports, including individual counselling, mediation, or legal guidance when needed.
Path Three: Commit to Working on the Relationship
Both partners may decide they are willing to participate in couples counselling to explore their relationship difficulties and consider possible changes.
This path involves a shared willingness to engage in relationship-focused therapeutic work, even when the outcome remains uncertain.
There is no predetermined outcome. Each couple’s circumstances, concerns, and decisions are unique.
What to Expect During Sessions
Mixed-agenda counselling differs from traditional couples counselling in both its focus and structure.
Sessions may include time together as a couple and individual conversations with each partner, depending on the circumstances and clinical appropriateness.
Together, we may explore:
What has brought your relationship to this point.
How each partner understands the difficulties within the relationship.
Recurring patterns of conflict, disconnection, or unresolved hurt.
Each partner’s concerns, hopes, and uncertainties.
What attempts have already been made to address relationship difficulties.
What each partner may need to consider before deciding on the next steps.
The process is collaborative and tailored to the couple’s needs. It is not intended to pressure either partner toward reconciliation or separation.
How Is This Different from Traditional Couples Counselling?
Traditional couples counselling generally begins with both partners expressing some willingness to work on their relationship. Sessions may focus on communication, emotional connection, conflict, intimacy, trust, and other relationship concerns.
Mixed-agenda couples counselling recognizes that partners may not share the same goals or level of readiness.
Rather than immediately focusing on repairing the relationship, the initial work centres on understanding the uncertainty and exploring whether both partners wish to pursue relationship-focused counselling.
If both partners later decide to work on the relationship, traditional couples counselling may become an appropriate next step.
When Might Mixed-Agenda Counselling Be Helpful?
You may wish to explore this service if:
One partner wants to stay together while the other is considering leaving.
Separation or divorce has become a recurring topic of conversation.
Previous attempts to address relationship difficulties have felt unsuccessful.
One partner is reluctant to attend traditional couples counselling.
You feel emotionally disconnected or uncertain about your future together.
You are struggling with the decision to stay or separate.
You want space to discuss your relationship without pressure to make a particular decision.
When Might This Approach Not Be Appropriate?
Mixed-agenda counselling is not suitable for every relationship.
Where there is intimate partner violence, coercive control, threats, or significant safety concerns, individual assessment and specialized support may be more appropriate.
Active addiction, acute mental health concerns, or other circumstances affecting a person’s ability to participate safely may also require additional assessment or treatment before couples work is considered.
If one or both partners have made a firm decision to end the relationship and do not wish to explore other possibilities, separation-focused support may be more appropriate.
Suitability is considered during the intake and assessment process.
My Approach to Mixed-Agenda Couples Counselling
As a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist (RMFT), I have extensive experience working with couples navigating relationship challenges, emotional disconnection, conflict, infidelity, and uncertainty about the future of their relationship.
My approach draws on my education and clinical experience in couples and family therapy, continuing education related to mixed-agenda couples, and the published work of Dr. Bill Doherty on discernment counselling. I incorporate relevant concepts into my work with couples who have differing levels of commitment to their relationship.
My role is not to decide whether you should stay together or separate, but to provide a professional, supportive space to explore your concerns and consider possible next steps.
Unsure About the Future of Your Relationship
You don’t have to agree about the future of your relationship before reaching out for support.
If one of you is considering leaving while the other hopes to stay together, mixed-agenda couples counselling may be an option worth exploring.