A Marriage and Family Therapist’s Perspective on Love, Expectations, and Surviving the Early Parenting Years
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, one of the most common concerns I hear from parents of young children is that they feel like roommates. They tell me they never have time for each other, they argue more than they used to, intimacy has changed, and they miss the connection they once had. Many begin to wonder whether something is wrong with their relationship. S
But what if the relationship is not the problem? What if the challenge is that no one adequately prepared us for how dramatically life changes when children arrive? Perhaps just like perimenopause and menopause, which are gaining so much attention, no one told us it would be this hard?
PARENTING IN A DIFFERENT ERA
Many parents today are raising children in a very different world than previous generations. In Canada, people are having children later in life than ever before. The average age of mothers at childbirth has steadily increased over the last several decades, rising from 26.7 years in 1976 to over 31 years today. Canada is now considered one of the world’s “late-childbearing” countries.
While many parents benefit from greater life experience, emotional maturity, and financial stability, parenting later in life can also mean balancing young children while caring for aging parents, managing demanding careers, navigating higher housing costs, and trying to save for retirement at the same time.
Children today are also involved in more organized activities than ever before. Many families spend evenings and weekends transporting children between sports, lessons, clubs, tutoring, and social commitments. While these opportunities can be valuable, they often leave little time for rest, connection, or simply being together as a family.
At the same time, families are facing significant financial pressures. Rising housing costs, childcare expenses, groceries, transportation, and extracurricular activities can place enormous strain on couples. Many parents find themselves trying to be fully present for their children while also worrying about finances, work responsibilities, and their own well-being.
When we understand the context modern families are living in, it becomes easier to replace judgment with compassion. If your relationship feels stretched thin, it may not be because you are doing something wrong. It may be because you are trying to meet extraordinary demands with limited time, energy, and resources.
Sometimes the most important thing a couple can say to one another is: “This is hard, and we’re doing the best we can.”
THE PRESSURE TO GET BACK TO NORMAL
Many parents carry an invisible expectation that life should eventually return to what it was before children. We miss spontaneous date nights, uninterrupted conversations, sleeping in on weekends, hobbies, friendships, and the freedom to focus on ourselves. We long for the energy we once had for intimacy, exercise, socializing, and self-care.
For some moms, finding time for a haircut or pedicure feels impossible. The phrase “self-care” can feel almost laughable when they are struggling just to get dressed, shower, or eat a meal while it is still warm. Some mothers experience isolation, exhaustion, anxiety, or depression after having children and wonder why they do not feel like themselves.
Many dads experience similar losses in self-care and friendship. Both parents may miss hobbies, friendships, and activities that once helped them recharge. Parents may feel pressure to provide financially while also trying to be present at home. Many parents quietly wonder if they are failing because they can no longer manage everything the way they once did.
The truth is that life does not return to what it was before children. It evolves into something entirely different.
“When children enter a family, the relationship must expand to accommodate new responsibilities, new identities, and new demands.”
Comparing your current life to your pre-parenthood life is often unfair to yourself and your relationship because the circumstances are completely different.
We cannot expect ourselves to function exactly as we did before. Maybe going to the gym three times a week was realistic before children, but now once a month feels like a victory. Maybe you cannot attend every social event, volunteer for every committee, or maintain every friendship at the same level. You now have more people depending on you, more schedules to manage, more emotional needs to meet, and more responsibilities competing for your attention. The goal should not be in the end to get back to who you were before children.
“The goal is to embrace who you are now and create realistic expectations for this season of life.”
THE SHIFT FROM “ME’ TO “WE”
Before children, many couples naturally focus on themselves and each other. After children, something profound happens. We shift from thinking primarily as individuals to thinking as a family unit.
Decisions become less about what I want and more about what we need. What is best for the children? How do we manage schedules? Who is handling appointments, pickups, meals, sports, bedtime routines, and household responsibilities?
This shift requires a level of selflessness that many couples have never experienced before. What once happened spontaneously now requires planning. Date nights require coordination. Intimacy often requires intention. Even rest requires scheduling.
While parenting can be deeply meaningful, it can also be exhausting. Many couples find themselves giving so much to everyone else that there is very little left for themselves or their relationship. At the same time, the relationship still matters.
Some people believe children should always come first. I view it differently. On an airplane, adults are instructed to put on their own oxygen mask before helping a child. The reason is simple: if you cannot breathe, you cannot help anyone else. Parents need care. Individuals need care. Relationships need care. Your relationship provides the foundation of the family system. It teaches children about communication, connection, respect, repair, teamwork, and love. Even during busy seasons, finding small ways to nurture the relationship remains important.
WHY COUPLES OFTEN FEEL DISCONNECTED
When young children are involved, connection often takes a back seat to survival. Parents may be juggling careers, childcare, extracurricular activities, household responsibilities, financial pressures, sleep deprivation, aging parents, and endless logistics.
By the end of the day, many couples are running on empty. What feels like emotional distance may actually be emotional exhaustion. What feels like rejection may be depletion. What feels like a lack of effort may be a lack of capacity. What feels like criticism may actually be a cry for support. For example: a short temper may not mean your partner dislikes you. It may mean they are overwhelmed. Forgetfulness may not mean they do not care. It may mean they are carrying too much, trying to keep up with life demands or even perhaps struggling with their own neurodiversity.
“When we slow down and focus on compassion, empathy: and look beneath the behavior, we often find a struggling partner rather than a selfish one.“
This does not mean we ignore problems. It means we approach them with more empathy, compassion, and curiosity than blame, criticism, or shame.
STOP COMPARING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND PARENTING TO OTHERS
One of the greatest traps facing modern parents is comparison. Social media shows smiling family photos, romantic vacations, organized homes, and seemingly effortless parenting. What it does not show are the sleepless nights, the disagreements, the mental load, the financial stress, and the moments when couples feel disconnected.
Every family has challenges. Every couple struggles at times. The couples who appear to have it all together are often working through difficulties you never see. Instead of asking, “Why aren’t we like them?” “Are we failing” try asking, “What is realistic for us right now?”
Another more compassionate question is, “What is already working that we can build upon?”
REVISITING EXPECTATIONS
Many relationship conflicts are not actually about love. They are often about expectations.
When expectations become unrealistic, disappointment becomes inevitable.
Ask yourselves: What season of life are we in? What is realistic right now? What can wait until the children are older? What do we genuinely need from each other? What expectations need to be adjusted?
“Sometimes the healthiest thing a couple can do is stop expecting a season of survival to feel like a season of abundance.”
Instead, focus on small moments. Focus on the hug from your child. Focus on the laugh you shared with your partner while cleaning up toys. Focus on the coffee you drank together before the house woke up. Focus on the feeling of being on the same team.
Mindfulness can help tremendously during this stage. When we stop chasing perfection and start appreciating small moments, we often discover that connection is still there. Think small wins. Think micro-moments of joy. Think micro-moments of connection.
CONNECTION DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A DATE NIGHT
Date nights are wonderful, but they are not always realistic. Not every family has nearby grandparents, trusted babysitters, flexible schedules, or extra money. Connection can happen in much smaller ways.
A ten-minute conversation after the children go to bed. A hug in the kitchen. A kiss on the forehead before work. A text message during the day saying, “I’m thinking about you.” A funny meme. Sharing a favourite television show. Holding hands before falling asleep.
Maybe it is a family picnic in the backyard. Maybe it is making tacos together on Tuesday nights. Maybe it is laughing while the kids chase bubbles outside. Connection does not have to be expensive or elaborate. Often the smallest intentional moments become the most meaningful memories.
BECOMING TEAMMATES AGAIN
One of the most powerful shifts a couple can make is moving from opposition to partnership. Instead of asking, “Why aren’t you doing more?” ask, “How do we solve this together?” Instead of keeping score, focus on understanding. The goal is not to determine who is more exhausted. The goal is to recognize that both people may be struggling.
Ask yourselves how you can reduce the burden for one another. Could each person get twenty minutes of uninterrupted self-care each week? Could household responsibilities be shared differently? Could one partner take over bedtime while the other rests? Can we leave the dishes for tomorrow and cuddle instead. When couples begin viewing each other as teammates rather than opponents, blame decreases and collaboration increases.
IT’S OKAY TO SAY IT’S HARD
Sometimes parents feel guilty admitting that this season is difficult. They worry that acknowledging the challenges means they are ungrateful or somehow failing.
“The truth is that two things can be true at the same time: you can deeply love your children and still miss parts of your life before parenthood.”
It’s okay to say, “I miss the time we used to have together.” It’s okay to joke about what you would give for an uninterrupted shower, a quiet cup of coffee, or a full night’s sleep. In fact, finding moments of humor and shared understanding can help couples feel less alone during the demanding years of parenting.
One of the greatest gifts partners can offer each other is validation. Instead of minimizing the struggle or comparing who has it harder, try relating to one another. A simple “I know this is hard” or “We’re both doing the best we can” can go a long way toward creating connection.
Most importantly, remember that you are human. You are not expected to be perfect. You are not expected to get everything right. You will make mistakes, lose patience, feel overwhelmed, and sometimes long for the freedom and flexibility you had before children. That does not make you a bad parent, partner, or person. It makes you human.
When we can look at ourselves and our partners through that lens, we create more room for grace, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. Parenting is not about perfection. Relationships are not about perfection. They are about imperfect people learning, growing, and navigating life’s seasons together.
GIVE YOURSELF & EACH OTHER GRACE
If you have young children and your relationship feels different than it once did, that does not mean you have failed. It may simply mean you are in a demanding season of life. A season where energy is limited. A season where time is scarce. A season where expectations need adjusting. A season where survival sometimes takes precedence over romance.
The couples who navigate this season most successfully are rarely the ones who do everything perfectly. They are the ones who continue choosing each other. They extend grace. They revisit expectations. They remain curious about each other. They remember they are building something bigger than themselves.
The goal is not perfection.
“The goal is staying connected enough to weather the storm together.”
One day the children will need less of your time and energy. When that day arrives, you will be grateful that you protected not only your family, but also the partnership at the heart of it.
By Aimee Poole, BA, GDipCH, MFCS, RMFT, LCT
Registered Marriage and Family Therapist www.yellowfinchcounselling.ca
A Note from the Author: This article is intended for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, counselling, or mental health treatment. If you are experiencing significant relationship distress, mental health concerns, or safety issues, please consult a qualified healthcare professional.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice.
Statistics Canada. (2024). Fewer New Moms, Older New Moms: A Look at Recent Fertility Trends in Canada.
Statistics Canada. (2024). Child Care, Family Responsibilities and Work-Life Balance.
Walsh, F. (2016). Strengthening Family Resilience.
Sources: This article draws on family systems theory, attachment theory, relationship research, and Canadian demographic data, including the work of John Gottman, Sue Johnson, Froma Walsh, and Statistics Canada.